Sabrina, get over here and help me drink these margaritas
or it'll be your fault
if I drunk-dial my A.A. sponsor again.
SABRINA: I'll be right there.
Hello!
Jimmy, what are you doing here?
It's girls' night in.
This is me and Sabrina time, not you and Sabrina time.
I know. I'm just wondering
if you have any freezer space available.
Power's out at the gas station.
So they're giving away all the ice before it melts.
Which is stupid because they could just wait
and sell it as water.
Did you guys redecorate?
Yeah, I got stuck on a plane for seven hours last month.
Went a little crazy with the Sky Store catalog.
Whoa!
Pizza clock!
I hate clocks, but I love pizza!
That thing's blowing my mind.
After we drink those margarita...
Oh! Hey, Jimmy.
Virginia.
I didn't know you guys got 3-D TV.
No, I didn't.
Those are my glasses.
Wait, you wear glasses?
Wait, is this the first time you've seen me clearly?
I just usually wear contacts.
They're huge.
They're like orthopedic shoes for your face.
Yeah, well, they're just the only frames that are big enough
to support the weight of lenses that thick.
They're actually my grandpa's.
They saved his life in the war.
Apparently, the Japanese thought he was
too ridiculous-looking to be a threat.
Why are you afraid for me to see your glasses?
I mean, you wear them in front of Shelley.
Well, I don't want Shelley to be attracted to me.
Then you shouldn't be wearing such sexy pajamas, slut.
Those margaritas are very strong.
It's not really a big deal.
I mean, I can see fine without them.
Oh, my little Hopey!
Cold!
(screams): Oh, Hope!
♪ Whoo! ♪
♪ Here we go ♪
♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! ♪
(bee buzzing)
Sabrina, you got to come out here
and look at this bee that chased me.
I swear it's the same bee
that chased me yesterday and the day before that.
Okay, I'll be right out.
We're just finishing up our study group.
I know you said all bees look alike,
but I recognize this guy 'cause of his huge stinger.
(chuckles) At least, I think it's his stinger.
Jimmy, this is Philip.
Philip, this is my boyfriend, Jimmy.
Hey, Jimmy the boyfriend.
Thanks for letting me borrow Sabrina.
We got some good cramming in there.
Excuse me?
Uh, so, yeah, I'll see you at class tomorrow.
I'll be the one sleeping. (chuckles)
(chuckles): She'll be sleeping in class 'cause she's bored.
I get jokes.
I noticed, uh, you guys were studying in your bedroom.
Uh-huh.
Lot of seats out here in the living room.
In the bedroom, just one bed.
Yeah, it's just more practical for us in there,
because on our study breaks, we like to have hot, sweaty sex.
That's funny.
Uh, I just thought you had a study group
and not a study "handsome-guy- with-a-fancy-messenger-bag."
(sighs): Oh, God.
You're not going to be all weird about this stuff like Wyatt was.
Or show me your Q-tips after you swab your ears.
That's another thing he was weird about.
That's actually me.
I do the Q-tip thing.
Yeah, I know.
I just thought that'd be a good way to tell you to stop.
Maybe I'm being crazy.
Maybe Sabrina and him are just friends.
No way. Men and women cannot be just friends.
Ashton Kutcher proved that
in, like, five different movies last year.
This guy's trying to steal your girl, Jimmy.
We already helped you
steal her from one guy who was way more attractive than you.
We're never gonna be able to do that again.
Well, how do you know he's more attractive than me?
You haven't seen him. I'm guessing if he was short and fat,
we wouldn't be having this conversation.
All right, I'm gonna go and talk to Philip and tell him
if he doesn't stay away from Sabrina,
I'll help him get his B.A.
And by that, I mean "busted ass."
BURT: Ah.
That's pretty good.
JIMMY: Thanks. I've been working on it since this morning.
If he was going for his B.S., I'd say "busted stomach."
Uh, you got lucked out with the B.A., Jimmy
Let's just leave it at that.
It's risky.
If Sabrina finds out you went over there,
she's gonna think you're crazy.
We need to come up with a plan
that'll get us hard evidence to prove it to her.
Or we could just give up.
I mean, haven't we put enough time
into this stupid relationship?
I'm just getting a little tired of it.
I'm sure it's a great plan; I just don't get how it works.
That's why I set up this demonstration.
Oh, hey, what you doing, Jimmy?
You were in there kind of a long time.
Yep, just, uh, getting ready to head over to Sabrina's.
Cool. I hope you didn't use my razor to shave your privates.
What?
I didn't shave anything.
What, uh, what makes you think that?
Because Sabrina texted you and said, "Come over",
and I want you smooth as a baby seal."
How did you know
what Sabrina texted me?
Because Sabrina didn't text you.
I did!
I went into your phone
and put my number under Sabrina's name.
So now when I text you, it looks like Sabrina texted you.
Why? Why? Why would you do that?
Because that's how we're going to prove
that Philip wants to do more than study.
Oh, now I get how it works.
Kind of.
(cell phone beeps) Ooh, I'm getting a text.
From you. It's a picture.
Oh!
Oh! Oh, my God!
I should've seen that coming.
BURT (chuckles): Looky there.
Like a cute little baby seal.
(laughing)
Oh, I want a baby seal!
(razor buzzing)
Hey, guys, come into
the living room; I want to show you something.
Jimmy, we're right in the middle of...
Okay, I mean, if you think that's more important
than hearing Hope say "Sabrina."
(gasps) What?!
Ha!
Now aren't you glad you didn't marry a doctor?
Try doing that with a tongue depressor and a stethoscope.
Jimmy could take a lesson from this guy.
Look how many times he calls his mother.
To be fair, he probably doesn't live with his mother.
Okay, okay, okay.
You can do it. You can do it.
"Sabrina."
I'm telling you, said it clear as a bell ten minutes ago.
SABRINA: Can you say it?
Please? Please, please, please?
Ca-caw, ca-caw!
Come on, I really want to be
the first fake aunt whose name you say.
Shelley.
Son of a bitch!
(giggles)
Would you please stop reading me and Sabrina's texts?
(chuckles) Burt, check this one out.
"You stop texting first."
"No, you stop texting first."
Whoever invented texting must be very proud.
So who stopped texting first?!
We need to make sure our fake texts to Philip
sound like Sabrina, you know, young and hip.
Is it "off the hook" and "on the chain"
or "off the chain" and "on the hook"?
It's not any of those things.
Just make sure the text gets
his attention but doesn't sound too flirty.
We need him to make the first move.
What if we tell him he's "the bomb"?
I feel like that's making a comeback.
Don't ask me.
Ever since that UPN went off the air,
I've had trouble learning new phrases.
I got it.
Careful, Virginia.
You don't want to seem wiggidy-wiggidy-wack.
What are you typing?
Don't send it until I...
Too late.
(chuckles)
(cell phone beeps)
Baby, your study partner just sent you a text that says,
"What's crackalackin P-lip."
Your study partner a black man from the '90s?
Uh, I think she's just messing around.
Tell her I'm jumping in the shower.
(cell phone beeps)
"Jumping in the shower. Call you later."
That doesn't sound flirty.
Well, not if you say it like that.
But what if he texted it like,
(deep voice): "Jumping in the shower.
Call you later."
Yeah, that does sound flirty.
So, what would Sabrina say if you texted her,
"I'm jumping in the shower"?
She'd say, "No jumping in the shower," with a winky face.
And then I'd type back
"LOL," even though I'd barely "L,"
and it definitely wouldn't be "O.L."
Let's try it.
(cell phone beeps)
"You seem..."
"...very interested in what's going on in my shower."
I knew it. I knew he's into her!
"You seem very filthy.
"Maybe you would get clean faster
with... four... hands."
Bitch.
I hate this guy.
Him? What about Sabrina?
She's the one you should be mad at!
Burt, we're Sabrina.
I don't know what you're so upset about.
We're getting all the proof we need.
Now, later tonight,
very calmly and rationally, without starting a fight,
you tell Sabrina what this guy's up to and get rid of him,
once and for all.
(cell phone beeps)
Oh, wait. Now he's saying something.
"Your idea sounds better than showering alone.
Don't go anywhere. Coming over now."
He's going to Sabrina's?
No, no, no! It's too fast!
She's not supposed to find out this way!
"No, do not come over!
Whatever you do, do not come over!"
Where's the explanation point on this thing?!
(cell phone beeps)
He's not responding!
This is bad.
Oh, God!
Get down from there, you tiny home wrecker!
This is very terrifying and confusing!
(screaming)
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Hey, who are you?
I'm Philip's fiancée.
Uh, where is he?
Come out, Philip!
And face me and my mom and my dad like a real man!
Philip... he's still in the shower.
Showering up? (clicks tongue)
I guess we're too late.
He did in 15 minutes what took you a year and a half.
Wait, wait!
Look, I saw the texts.
Uma, there is obviously nothing going on
with her and I.
I mean, she's not blond, she's very short.
Hey, hey, I speak a little bit of French, okay?
Sabrina, I'm sorry if I misled you.
I-I just came over here to study.
Look, I'm very confused right now, okay?
Confused? You texted that you'd like to wash
my fiancé's hard-to-reach places.
SABRINA: What?!
I didn't write this.
Uh, I may have an explanation for everything.
(over speakers): ♪ I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts ♪
Sorry.
I see a button, I push a button.
♪ Big ones, small ones, some as big as your head ♪
♪ Give them a twist... ♪
So you see?
It was all a big misunderstanding.
I take most of the blame, of course,
but, uh, I mean, Philip,
you got to put a pass code on your cell phone, man.
All this ugliness could've been avoided.
Again, I'm sorry that my boyfriend
and his family are insane.
That's why we need cable.
We'd be happily entertained at home
and wouldn't get into these high jinks.
By the way, are these for sale?
- No. - Don't worry.
I know what it's like when your boyfriend has crazy parents.
Philip's parents have Rapture insurance.
Yeah.
That's not so weird.
If you're going to get left behind,
you're going to need some extra cash
to get you through tribulation.
Again, I apologize for chasing you up on your fridge,
but I do have to say
you have the agility of a squirrel.
Thanks.
Listen, I completely understand.
And apology accepted.
Plus, I didn't realize how badly I needed to dust up there.
What were you thinking?
I mean, what the hell was that?
You guys snuck in through my window?
Oh, no. No, no.
We used a pool skimmer,
and we stayed outside.
I really think you
should mostly be mad at Jimmy.
I can give you five bucks for this right now... cash.
- No. - JIMMY: Look, Sabrina,
I am so sorry.
I should have trusted you, but my mom got involved,
and then this whole thing, it-it just spun out of control.
We don't have very active social lives.
Ten dollars.
Oh, Sabrina, you're good at this.
Burt, we don't want those stupid boobs in our house.
Okay, Jimmy, you know what, we got to talk about this later,
but I just... I'm done for the night.
BURT: Okay, I'm going to try the Price is Right strategy.
- I bid one dollar. - Just take them!
Ha.
What are you doing?
I'm making an apology card for Sabrina.
Drawing some animals
and flowers that she really likes.
Plus I'm putting my scent on it
because I always get compliments on that.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, stop.
Just do one corner... one corner.
I want this card to be from all of us.
Here.
Put this down for me.
I'm going to go cut some of the neighbor's flowers.
Of course, if I get caught, we'll have to make
an apology card for them, too.
Whoa, whoa.
You're not putting those in here.
I can't hang it in the bedroom.
I'll never get any sleep.
Dance, boobies. (music plays)
♪ I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts... ♪
They're tacky.
(chuckles) I like them.
(knock at door) You're the only one.
(music stops)
Hey, Vali.
What is this thing I see
through the window on your wall?
I love it.
See?
Our neighbor, the genie, likes it.
I'm glad you like it, Vali. Watch this.
(music plays)
♪ I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts... ♪
The song is about coconuts,
which is another word for boobs!
(laughing)
♪ Give 'em a twist... ♪
(insect buzzing)
What the hell was I thinking bringing flowers?
Do you not knock?
No, I do, but I was being chased.
Oh, was it a yellow jacket about this big?
You know him?
Yeah. Things used to be bad between us,
but then we came to an understanding.
Hey. You're early.
Almost done studying.
You want to hang out for a minute?
Uh...
Where's Philip?
Oh, wait. Did he not come because of me?
Oh, no, no, no, no.
No, he was driving me crazy.
The guy's a French major, so everything we learned
had to be repeated back in French.
So, c'est la vie.
La vie.
Uh, so what's the new guy like?
By the way, are there any girls in your class or...?
Oh, God. Really? Are you jealous again?
You know, I could start studying with women,
but then you'd just start worrying
I'd be hooking up with them.
I could live with that.
What's up, brother?
Nothing much, cuz.
Who are you?
I'm Sabrina's boyfriend.
Really?
Uh, what are you, super rich or something?
Uh, no. Why?
Uh, no reason.
It's hot in here.
- No, it isn't. - Yeah, it is.
They're just studying, Jimmy.
You got to stop letting your imagination go crazy.
You know what I did every day in the men's room
before work while thinking about Sabrina?
- Yes. - Push-ups.
Oh. Then no.
And the only reason men do push-ups
is to have their arms look big for women.
But I can't say anything to Sabrina
because I already spent my jealousy card
on the whole Philip thing.
Soap.
Ooh. I think we're out.
Oh, don't worry.
The best thing about living with Sabrina
is she has backups of everything.
Just look under the sink.
Oh, my God.
Sabrina's got two of everything.
Soaps, spices, dust buster.
She's even got two boxes of rubber gloves.
That's weird.
The only other person I've ever known
with that many rubber gloves is my vagina-cologist.
It all got me thinking.
What if she does the same thing with guys?
She always has a backup.
I was her backup with Wyatt. Philip was her backup with me.
But he wasn't into her, so she dropped him for Randy.
Hmm.
BURT: I need more batteries for my not so tiny dancers.
Of course you need batteries.
You've been playing that for hours.
You're going to wear them out.
I know. I've been there.
I don't even think she realizes it.
It's one of those unconscious things
where she needs guys to want her.
That's why she looks so hot when she studies.
BURT: Oh, man!
This thing takes double D's!
(laughing)
You guys just keep on giving.
How do I explain to Sabrina
that this guy is just another backup?
I'll seem crazy again.
Well, we need to find proof.
She can't call you crazy if we have proof.
Right. Right.
We're going to need a plan.
Right.
And there's a good chance we're going to have
to steal some apology flowers for afterwards.
Probably.
(toilet flushes)
Oh! What the heck?
Jimmy, that's not water.
That's my contact solution.
You... you drank my contacts.
No way. Did I?
Oh, God.
That's classic Jimmy.
Oh, but it's a good thing
you have your glasses as a backup, though.
Well, yeah, but I'm supposed to study with Randy today.
Well, you can do that in glasses.
I mean, it's studying, not a fashion show.
It doesn't matter how you look.
Right?
Right. I...
♪ I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts... ♪
Sorry to bug you, but...
It's okay. I get it.
Now do you see all the joy these things bring, Virginia?
And you wanted to take them down.
I have to admit, they are kind of growing on me.
I wish they would.
(men laughing)
No more beer for you, Vali.
And it's nice being popular
in the neighborhood for once.
I guess it's not too...
Burt.
What have you taught her?
(hard rock version): ♪ Lovely bunch of coconuts ♪
♪ I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts ♪
(normal version): ♪ Lovely bunch of coconuts ♪
♪ There they are all standing in a row... ♪
Gentlemen, go home.
Go home and tell your wives and daughters you're sorry.
(Knocking at door) I think your study partner's here.
SABRINA: Tell Randy I'll be out in a second.
(electrical buzzing)
Aah!
I can't believe I'm saying this.
Get these fun, bouncy boobs away from me.
But I thought that you...
I got to keep Hope off the pole.
And she's not watching Toddlers and Tiaras any more, either.
Randy.
SABRINA: Hi.
Yes.
Hey, Randy.
Uh, sit down,
and don't say anything
'cause it is time to study, not chitchat.
Maybe you should put on your glasses.
Oh, that's okay. I'm fine.
Randy can do the reading.
You don't mind, do you, Randy?
Yeah, yeah, dude. Whatever, dude.
See, Jimmy? We're fine.
This is ridiculous. Just admit it.
You only don't want to wear glasses
because you want Randy to think you're hot.
Jimmy, we're not going to do this in front of Randy, okay?
That's not Randy. That's my dad.
What are you doing here?
I was hoping to trade
the boobs in for something else.
I'll take those hilarious novelty glasses.
Dad, we're kind of in the middle of something.
Can you just...?
Okay, I'll just browse around.
Hey. Don't take my pizza clock.
Sabrina.
You know how you've got
that weird thing of keeping backups
for toothpaste and soaps and stuff?
That's not that weird.
Okay. Well, I think you might be
keeping backup boyfriends, and that is kind of weird.
- What? - You only liked
having Philip around because you thought he was into you,
and once you found out that he wasn't, you moved on to Randy.
No. That was just because
he didn't insist on speaking French.
No, it was because he's... he was obviously
attracted to you, and you wanted him to be.
Otherwise, why would you be stumbling around
like Helen Keller with no glasses?
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, Jimmy, you're right.
All this time, I just thought you were acting crazy,
but that... God, why do I do that?
Virginia says it's 'cause you were raised rich and greedy.
Could you just find a knickknack and get out?
You know, he didn't talk
to his parents like this till he met you.
Parents.
I bet I do it because of my parents.
Look, when I was six, my dad
left my mother for absolutely no reason.
And my mom would have been devastated
had she not been sleeping with her tennis coach.
I think I do it to protect myself.
I keep backups to protect myself.
If you need backups to feel secure, keep them,
because I know that none of them
is as good for you as I am,
so I know you're not leaving me.
Eventually, you're going to realize that
and decide that you don't need backups any more.
You know why?
I think you'll realize it right now.
- Sorry. - What?
I just can't get out with Mr. Maggoo.
I can't see anything,
so I hope you'll don't get mad if I'll call you Phillip.
Sync and corrected by dr.jackson for www.addic7ed.com